We're Back!! More Lessons from Sara!!

I won't go into boring, whining details about downed servers, misaligned schedules or who had morning sickness because the important issue at hand . . . We are back :)

My very first blog on the Chit Chat Moms' site was "Lessons." I thought it would be fitting if I wrote some more of them. Once again, the following is completely factual with no exaggeration needed. With a household of four biological kids, three babysitting kids, and a niece, things tend to get crazy at times~!

Lessons From Summer 2008 -

Eyeglasses for your 2yr old with scratch resistant lenses and "bounce back" frames will still break in half if they fall into the recliner and someone slams the footrest down.
Full warranties on child eyeglasses are WONDERFUL.

Don't always assume the water at the base of your refrigerator came from three 3yr olds playing with the water dispenser.
Don't always assume the light in the refrigerator working means the entire appliance is working.
If your SingleBFF yells the phrase, "Why is your ice cream the consistency of soup?" don't assume she is a moron (even if she usually is).

Some refrigerators have a cold-colder-coldest dial with the option to TURN THE FRIDGE OFF!!! No really, some do.
Don't assume the dial, which might be located above the highest shelf inside the fridge, is high enough to be out of the reach of 3yr olds.

If your fridge has been turned off without you noticing for FOUR DAYS, don't try to save anything.
If your fridge has been turned off without you noticing for four days, maybe you feed your kids fast food too often when the hubby is out of town on business.

Before kids go to preschool it IS a good idea to let them practice their cutting skills.
Before kids go to preschool it IS NOT a good idea to let them practice their cutting skills on their twin sister's hair.
A blunt-bob to the chin is a SUPER cute look on a three year old even if her mother had never cut her hair before.

It might seem like a good idea to tell a preschooler to run if anyone ever tries to cut her hair again, but it might come back to bite you when you take her into a hair salon to get her hair fixed.
If you have already told a preschooler to run if anyone ever tries to cut their hair again, bring a camera to catch the look on the preschooler's face when the stylist asks if she can cut her hair.

Three year olds who insist on being naked nearly 80% of the time ARE capable of keeping their clothes on to attend preschool.
Three year olds who keep their clothing on to attend preschool might, to the disappointment of their mother, still insist on being naked 80% of the time they are home.

Some eight year olds still believe in the tooth fairy.
It is hard to believe in the tooth fairy if the tooth fairy forgets to pick up your tooth three days in a row.
If the tooth fairy forgets to pick up a tooth three days in a row, writing a letter to go along with the tooth helps.

Seven year old boys make really interesting faces when you ask them if they want to take ballet.
Some seven year old boys don't mind taking hip hop class with 18 other girls.

Eight year old girls do not need help changing their dance shoes.
Eight year old girls get mortified when their mother assumes they need help changing their dance shoes.
Mothers of eight year old girls might cry when they aren't needed for shoe help anymore.

It doesn't matter how many years of experience you have teaching dance, even if you have countless trophies, choreography awards, and numerous national titles, once you become the mother of a dancer you know NOTHING!

If your 2nd grader son brings home district "Priority Spelling Words" the first week of school after having aced these lists in previous years, don't assume they are 2nd grader words.
If you have already abrasively interrogated your 2nd grader about why he didn't get his Priority Spelling Word correct, and he enlightens you they are from the 3rd and 4th grade Priority lists, the polite thing to do is apologize immediately.
If you have to apologize for getting worked up over spelling words, mellow out.

If you find the same list of Priority Spelling Words the second week of school, don't assume your 2nd grader missed them all on his previous test.
If you assume these are your 2nd grader's words, and they are actually your 3rd grader's words, they figure out the younger one is a more talented speller.
It might be an issue for a few days, so simply remind your kids they are all different and special in their own ways :)
If you have to apologize twice in two weeks for getting worked up over spelling words, it might be a good idea to take a chill pill.

If you are asked to water your MomBFFs flowers while they are out of town for nine days, and it rains every other day, it is a good idea to go water them anyway.
If you don't go water them until the seventh day of their vacation, and you can't get the hose to work, but you hear water running somewhere, it might be a bigger problem than your first instincts indicate.

If you decide to skip the hose and go inside the house to get a watering can, and when you do the house smells like a swimming pool - this is bad.
If you find your MomBFF's basement under 10 inches of water with their pipes GUSHING water, don't call the utilities company - they aren't much help - first call your husband (or any other handy sort of man you know) instead.
If you try to turn the water off by yourself because you simply cannot stand to sit and wait without doing anything, not only are you going to get soaked to the bone, but you probably won't be able to get the shut off valve to budge.

A flooded basement isn't ALL bad - you might get a newly organized craft room out of the deal.
Make sure to stay on your MomBFFs good side so you can go sew in her newly organized craft room :)

And finally -

Don't make blanket statements, they truly bite you in the buns.

"I don't care how much money you make, I won't let you travel anymore!"
Your husband might step down from traveling only to get an amazing offer to travel with a new company.

"I will never threaten punishment to toilet train my kids!"
One small moment of frustration and the words - one more accident and you will have to have a time out - might eliminate accidents from stubborn child to date.

AND
"I will not get pregnant! I can feel when I ovulate"
That is all I've got to say about that.

-Sara

No School Today, Yay . . .

These sentences literally came out of my mouth today, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, while eight kids roamed my house.

"Get that block of cheese out of your mouth! We slice it first!" - spoken to the 16 month old

"Who taught the baby how to open the fridge???"

"We have 47 weebles, are you really going to freak out because you can't find the yellow knight?" - spoken to the first and second graders

Through a door - "You will have to wait. I can't get the mp3 player away from the baby until I am done in the potty."

"In this house we don't draw initials into our peanut buttered toast. Sorry, it is just one of my rules."

"Absolutely no moon sand while babies are awake!"

"Nap time . . . . alright alright alright . . . bust out the moon sand"

"Yeah, you are right, not enough moon sand for four people, go grab the play doh too" - they were in heaven

"What do you mean your underwear got sucked down the toilet" - my poor niece had a meltdown, I promised her we would get her new ones (she was changing clothes in the bathroom).

- Sara

Sarcasm Backfired Badly . . . Twice

I haven't talked much about my father's death on the blog. With the first anniversary around the corner I am guessing it is going to start popping up in many of my daily vents. It was the single most shocking moment of my life.

There are many moments of sadness, but I love my friends and my family so much for attaching the hysterical memories throughout the experience. Here was the first one that STILL makes me laugh every time it comes into conversation. I will never live it down.

Let me set the stage.

It was an extremely cold morning in February. My father's plane had gone down a mere twelve hours earlier. Ryan was suppose to be leaving for Germany in a few days, but thankfully the trip was put off for another two weeks. He would be leaving the beginning of March instead. After only an hour and a half of sleep, I was sitting on the couch watching news casts I had recorded. All of them talking about the small plane that had crashed. The victims names hadn't been released yet. Exhausted, but wide awake, I decided to log onto the computer like I did every Saturday morning and talk to the BFFs. I had to tell them soon so they didn't find out second hand. I had tried calling MomBFF at 2AM right after I heard the news, but she hadn't answered.

The MomBFF works weekends, so I knew I could talk to her for sure. This was our conversation word for word:

Sara: are you there?
JM: you ok?
JM: you called me three times last night and I saw it this morning and it freaked me out
JM: no ones dead are they?

Now, had I been thinking straight, I would have realized that she was being her sarcastic self like usual. Howevah . . . I wasn't. When I read the line "I saw it this morning" I figured she was referring to the news casts about the crash. She was always glued to her internet news. Surely she was putting two and two together about the crash and my phone calls in the middle of the night. So I took her question literal and I answered with the information I had . . .

Sara: plane exploded on impact
JM: what
JM: WHAT
Sara: he's gone
JM: Stop it

On my end, I really thought I was doing a good job of breaking it to her. I was just glad she knew a bit about it before talking to me. I was horribly wrong. From her end, she had a heart attack. Her first impulse was to think I was talking about Ryan. But then she remembered he wasn't on a plane yet, he wasn't leaving for another two weeks. Then she decided I was kidding.

This is where it gets weird. I kept sending her messages. I started venting about no one from the airport calling my MomL to let her know Dad's plane never arrived. It was the protocol my father always assured us would happen if his plane ever went down. But for some reason, she didn't get any of those messages. She was left thinking I was messing with her, and now ignoring her.

She told a coworker that I was a brat for responding with "plane exploded on impact." The coworker was the one who gave her the news that a plane had indeed gone down over night. That is when her second heart attack hit.

She tried to get me to message her again by IMing "Sara!" which I got in the middle of my rant, but she still wasn't getting my long winded responses. Her coworker agreed to cover for her while she ran to my house to check on me.

On my end of things, I was still venting. A few minutes passed and I was beginning to feel bad that she wasn't responding to me.

Sara: say something please, you are starting to make me feel bad cause i know you are over there not knowing what to say
Sara: hello?
Sara: I will bbiaf

As I got off the couch, devastated my friend wasn't talking to me anymore, I noticed her face in my front window. A huge smile spread across my face. I was so relieved she came to talk to me. She bounced through the door, and immediately said, "Oh thank GOD, I thought you were serious!"

Still smiling, I answered, "I was. It was my dad's plane."

Immediately she burst into tears and I had to comfort her. I hugged her and told her it was okay. I later found out it was a gesture and saying I would have to perform over and over in the coming week.

It wasn't that funny at the time, but now, we laugh all the time. "Plane exploded on impact" is quoted heavily around here, mostly poking fun at me. I have to defend myself - I WASN'T THINKING STRAIGHT I AM SORRY!!!

Of course it wasn't as bad as what I pulled on the SingleBFF. I broke it to her way more gently, but gave her a heart attack the next day.

My daughter had her last cheerleading competition the Sunday following my dad's death. I didn't want to break the news to her until afterward. I asked SingleBFF to come with me for support. We woke up at 6 AM to get everything ready and make the 45 minute drive to the competition in Lincoln. We couldn't find her hair bows and SingleBFF reminded me we were going to be late if we didn't hurry.

I was exhausted. I hadn't slept more than five hours in three days. I didn't really CARE if we were late. So I yelled out a phrase that will forever be dear to my heart -

"My dad crashed and BURNED!!! I am allowed to be late!"

BFF was stunned. She just stood there with her mouth hanging open, not knowing what to say or do. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, I said softly, "um, that was suppose to be funny."

"OMG!! Don't DO that to me!" she said, finally breathing again. We both laughed hard. It was the first good laugh I got in three days. Normally I am laughing all day long. I was able to use that as my excuse for a long time with the BFFs. I forgot to call you back? Well my dad crashed and burned, I'm allowed. I was rude because I didn't invite you over? Well C and B.

Finally MomBFF said, "Darling, that was five months ago, you can't USE that excuse anymore."

Oh well, It worked for awhile ;)

- Sara

Swoosher Girl All the Way!!!

Have you ever heard the expression, "Remember, he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else."? It usually comes into conversation to prove everyone is human. But what about us women? Some of us don't even wear pants all the time. What should our saying be? We can't even say, "Well just remember, Britney Spears puts her panties on one leg at a time just like the rest of us." Yes, you know what I mean . . .

What about bras?

My bra saying journey began when my ex-MIL (mother in law) had surgery on her shoulder. She came out fully recovered with one slight drawback. She is no longer able to lift her arm as high as she once could. Her biggest complaint? She could no longer fasten her bra. WHAT!?! How ridiculous! You put your bra on by placing the cups in back, upside down, so you can clasp it in front of you. Then you swoosh it around, pull it up nicely to secure those lovely boulders, and finally take special care to make sure each is positioned for maximum effect. EVERYONE knows that!

Right?

As it turns out, NO! I know, pick your jaw up off the keyboard. I was completely shocked as well. My eyes were opened to an entire world of "behind the back"ers. These ladies are quite talented. They throw that puppy right on the front and do a two handed clasping feat behind their own back. Yes, they seriously do! Who ever knew? I was so excited about my new found knowledge, I simply had to share it with anyone who would listen. Turns out, they are more prominent in society than anyone could have ever guessed. Some of these individuals were even MORE shocked to hear there was a less strenuous method. I converted quite a few of those poor souls who had suffered years of sprained wrists and pulled shoulder ligaments.

You might think it stops there, but it gets even BETTER! There is yet another group of chicks who leave the thing clasped and pull it right over their head like a common tank top maneuver. After much research on this particular method, and nearly fatally injuring my precious resources, I have realized this option should be left to the smaller chested, like my #1 BFF :)

Now that I feel like a brassiere connoisseur, I have a question for you. Are you a swoosher, a behind the backer, or an over the topper? Or do you have a method all your own? Let the world know, it makes us special.

Aren't you glad we aren't like those silly men? Only one way to put on a jock strap . . . one leg at a time . . . just like all the rest.

- Sara