Sunday, January 6, 2008

Silent Tears on Belated Christmas

Sometimes it is the small stuff that restores my faith to full force.

I could go into great detail about the first Christmas without my father. We all know I am excellent at the long winded blogs. However, it was mostly story free. Christmas Eve was spent with his extended family like usual. In the past ten years we only got him every other year at this function, so it wasn't too painful to not see him at Aunt B's. Christmas Day is always spent with Mom. Easy again to think of Dad as not there this year.

Early or Belated Christmas with Dad was special because we would have it anywhere between December 15th and January 5th. I thought I made it through the holiday season without a freak out moment, but it was a false hope. My Mom-L (a term we coined because Step-Mom just doesn't sound nice) tried to have us over last weekend, but she was ill and rain-checked until today.

Still I had it under control. We hung out for a few hours at the house. No gifts this year. We were to eat hot wings and watch the kids do crafts.

Then she pulled out unwrapped "gifts." We were mad at her until we figured out they weren't gifts at all, they were three bags of Dad's stuff. He was a pack rat. The bags were filled with random items that she drug out of a closet. I almost lost it, but I still held it together. I even fought back the tears as I came to a photo album filled with pictures of my dad with my kids at various ages. I had to fight the tears harder when I reached the spiral notebook filled with his college aviation notes. His handwriting was amazing. Left-handed block print so small it looked perfect.

But what got me was the song on the radio driving home - one of our songs. Four kids in the car, Ryan at home sick, and I was bawling in the front. The type of crying that has no noise. My face wasn't even horribly pinched, just an overwhelming amount of tears sliding down my cheeks faster than I could discreetly wipe them away.

I pulled into the gas station near Dad's house and did my best to look put together before walking into the store. This is the moment I will remember forever.


A very nice looking guy (for those who remember the 90s, think Color Me Badd's Bryan Adams, yes I am a sucker for a guy with a goatee) behind the counter rung up my soda and even though I thought I was masking my dismay fairly well, he said, "Oh darling, don't cry, it will get better."


I lost it. Again, no noise, no scrunched face, just tears streaming down. As he took my debit card he did a good job of trying to ignore the tears since he noticed I was trying my best to keep them at bay. He read my last name aloud and said it was familiar. Since he pronounced it correctly, unlike most, I knew he must know one of us. My tears stopped as he mentioned my aunt's name and I confirmed I was related to her. As I signed my debit card receipt, he told me again things will look up. At that point I felt I should say something about my sorrow. I didn't want him thinking I was a battered woman or victim of some crime. In a near whisper I said, "It's the first year without my dad."


Immediately his face changed and said, "Oh honey, I am in the same boat. My brother died last February." What is it with February? His brother died on the 18th; my father died on the 16th. He was so sweet. He didn't have to talk to the crazy crying lady, but he did. It was enough to make me feel a little less alone and I only cried half as hard the rest of the way home.


It sort of makes me wonder why I didn't just grab an extra Dr. Pepper out of the fridge at Dad's house. Or why I didn't go the short way home past the other gas station. Or why turned on the music radio station instead of my usual talk radio or mp3 of Harry Potter. I guess somethings happen for a reason.


-Sara

4 comments:

The Deviant Mom said...

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I know to some extent what you are going through. This year will be the 9th Christmas without my step-mom. She and I were extremely close. As the years fo by you will still feel a great sadness though not as great as the first holiday. Again I am sorry for your loss. Loosing a parent whether primary or secondary is never easy.

Sincerely
Your friend and fan from MN
Andrea

chitchatmoms@yahoo.com said...

Thanks Andrea, it is always nice to hear from someone who has felt the same loss. Everyone surrounding me cannot relate very well, and while it is a good thing, it is hard to vent to someone who hasn't been through it.

Sorry about your loss as well. You must have been young. Thanks again for dropping a line.

Sara

Shawn said...

Everything does happen for a reason, even though we don't usually know what it is. In this case, you know what it was: to give you a little comfort in such a trying time.

chitchatmoms@yahoo.com said...

Thank you Shawn :)
Sara